So how can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship? Well, here's a couple of clues.
- Your partner puts you down (verbally), especially in front of others.
- While your partner says they love you, but their actions say something different.
- Your partner doesn't trust you (without cause), reading your mail or appearing at places you are just to check up on you.
- Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
- You have had to change things about yourself to please them.
- Any kind of abuse or violence.
- Your partner tries to manipulate you, even when they don't need to.
Most of these clues are actions associated with controllers (control freaks), their biggest problem is that they can't control themselves. Their controlling tendencies will always escalate, they will always get worse to the point of destroying the relationship. They will never initiate the breakup, it will be up to you to do the actual breakup and believe me, the sooner the better. the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes for you to extract yourself from your situation.
Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them, they drain you. So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed? Why be with someone who robs you of all your confidence?
A toxic relationship has a cycle. There's a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation, at which point the cycle begins anew.
When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage. It is not until they've sucked you in further that you realise that you are in a toxic relationship. At that point, it is difficult to get out.
One reason is that many people in toxic relationships have grown up in toxic homes. As a result, they replicate the patterns of their childhood without even knowing they're doing it. And, they may not even know any better. Others believe they do not deserve happiness, and unintentionally, they bring it about. Still others find that they enjoy taking care of people.
The Relationship Breakup can Be Helpful
The first step in getting out and staying out of a toxic relationships is to realise that you do have choices. Often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem, lack of confidence or suffer from depression. These are, of course, symptoms of being at the receiving end of a controller and, if the confidence levels are low enough, will prevent them from leaving and bringing about the breakup.Once you realise that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship. They actually prevent you from making things better.
For some people, working in relationship therapy groups can help them either get out of, or redefine, these horrible relationships.
The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships. Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds with a different partner.
But others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it. This will take great strength of character and will depend on just how controlling the toxic partner is and how willing they are to change and to seek help for their problem.
The truth is that most relationships can be salvaged. Sometimes it takes a little space. Other times, it takes counselling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.
The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you'll walk away. If you aren't willing to walk away, you'll never be able to rescue your relationship.
Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection. Don't nag the other person. Simply state what you need and what you won't allow.
If you Don't get what you need, the other person should know, not just that you're prepared to breakup, but that you will breakup.
A healthy relationship involves equality, both partners have needs, dreams, desires that have to be met, or at the very least acknowledged. In a toxic relationship, it's all one-way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands, the breakup can be a good thing.
